With the research phase of our project coming to an end and the release of our research report, Blue and Meg sat down together to discuss Blue’s time at filmpro and their thoughts on the research.
Meg (she/her) So, I don’t want to sound very cheesy here, but let’s go back to the beginning. Why did you apply for this job?
Blue (they/them)
So, I applied for this job I think because I’m a very proud South Londoner and I thought it was really interesting, given that I’ve made this shift into arts, that there was a conversation happening around justice for disabled people and how art can be used as a tool to get collective liberation for us all. Yeah, I was just interested in having some kind of local understanding of what is going on and what needs to be done.
Meg
Amazing. Do you feel like you understood what you were working on or towards with filmpro with ten?
Blue
I think from the beginning I had an idea of what I thought it was and it got clearer in the first couple of weeks. I think from the brief I wasn’t as aware of how much I could, like, put myself into the project. And I don’t think I was aware of why you guys chose me and what I could contribute. I thought I was kind of just doing something that you guys wanted. But then the more we went on and the more conversations we had about, like, the intentions behind the project, the fact that we wanted it to be in solidarity with people who were usually excluded from disability justice movements, I was like, okay, this is why I’ve been chosen for this and this is why I can definitely put my passions into it. So that became clearer.
Meg
I mean, you’re absolutely correct. That is definitely why we chose you for this project so that we could get your unique perspective on it. And I think what we’ve ended up here with the research report is something that is, I don’t want to say unique to you, but you’ve definitely put your stamp on that and it obviously doesn’t appeal to everyone but it was never going do that anyway. So, why would we try to create something that is the voice of everyone when that’s not really what we’re trying to do with this project.
Blue
Yeah, exactly. I think the kind of research that I’m interested in is also research that shifts from the scientific, objective generalisations and I think the only way you can do that is by recognising that there is a researcher, a person behind all of it. Also, I think that even though I have limitations in the way that I can do research, there are benefits when someone is doing research about where they are from, given that we had the intention of, like, seeking out people who are most marginalised by all the things that disable us. I think it [the report] does try to speak to that, or at least say that there needs to be more research.
Meg
Absolutely. What have you enjoyed about working at filmpro?
Blue
I really think that working at filmpro has changed my perspective on work completely. I think I’ve definitely been changed by working at filmpro because before I was kind of like in this mode of trying to meet a very ableist standard of productivity and outputs and delivery. And if I had stayed in the mindset I was in the beginning, all the way through [theresearch phase] I would have been really burnt out. But I was really encouraged by all of you to take it slowly, to not feel guilty for my own limitations as a disabled person coming to this work, in terms of being what people have told me is scatty, but it’s just a different way of doing things. And to recognise my disability also creates a certain sense of overwhelm for me that if I communicate about it, it can be alleviated. And I think that you guys definitely gave me the room to communicate. And, yeah, just simple things: access needs of like taking breaks and just the general workflow of not working five days a week and it just made my work experience really smooth.
I also think Caglar [filmpro’s Artistic Director] said in the beginning, just take these first few weeks to think and that was really beneficial for me because it allowed me to be more intentional. And even though it was a bit of a rush towards the end I don’t think I would have had the outcome that we had if I had just gone all systems go from the beginning. So just working on a different time has been really useful and [what it] has allowed me, and I think us in general, to produce out of it is a lot more generative than just trying to meet a standard.
Meg
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That is something that I really enjoy about working at filmpro. We obviously have deadlines, but we kind of work to our own time and we do a lot of listening to our body and things that I haven’t really ever experienced before in any workplace. What could we [filmpro] have improved upon do you think?
Blue
I mean, I think there were some things that were definitely out of your control, in terms of the length of time of the project[and] just the general stuff that I mentioned in the report, the length of time of the project. The fact that it was just one researcher, me, doing it, and the [lack of] budget to, like, pay disabled people for their time. I think that would have made a world of difference. Because I didn’t understand that towards the end of the interviewing and outreach phase, but I was like, “Oh God”, like, I felt quite overwhelmed with the pressure just on me. And the limitations that just felt like they were mine. In terms of not being able to do it [interviewing and outreach] for a longer time. And me worrying about doing a disservice to the work was also just on me, because I was the person writing the report and, even though it was from filmpro, [I] had to give this report to you guys [filmpro]. And I wanted it to be reflective of the people that I had interviewed and also in some way tried to speak to those that I didn’t. So yeah, I think we were just constrained as a team.
I think in general it was interesting, working with disabled people. Obviously, it’s not an experience that I’ve had before. But I think I’ve also mentioned in the report that being able to feed back on this research with people that mirrored the people that I was interviewing, in terms of their race and their disability, would have been really useful because there are experiences that I’m gonna miss and you guys will miss because of the bodies that we’re in. And also, I think that may have also provided an environment where my research could have been received and understood, more holistically and from experience. I know how sensitive this is and the ways in which you can recognise something as sensitive and then cater to it. And I’m sure that is also overlooked. There are things that I would have overlooked that may have, like,brought up those sensitivities or similar things, say if [I] had a physical impairment while I was doing this research, there could have been things that I was researching that would have come up and discussed with you guys [Meg and Caglar are both physically disabled] and you would have been like, “Yeah, that’s actually really deep”. Yeah, [I] would have been able to have a moment and that yes, there would have been race disparities or things that we wouldn’t touch on but because I wasn’t feeding back into black and brown disabled people.
There [are] those kinds of like sensitivities, of holding what I did produce that can’t be held because there are like blind spots, you know. And I think, yeah, I think in the last stages there definitely, if we had had more time and if there were black and brown people in the room, maybe that time that we did have would have been more affirming and reassuring, because of the sensitive nature of the lived experiences that we were talking about. Because when you’ve got a deadline sometimes it’s just like “okay, we’ve got to get it done”. But yeah, there was sensitive content that I think by different people that would have been addressed differently.
Meg
I’ve always felt like you can go into a project with all the best intentions in the world, then as the project progresses, it gets more complex. And as you mentioned very holistic things are often the first to go, and that’s a real shame and something that I as a project manager fear are missing. There will be holistic moments that you kind of miss when you’re under time pressure, under budget pressure, and all of those things. So yeah, thank you so much for raising that with us.
Blue
I mean, it also maybe would have been mitigated even if we just had, like, a social or, like, something outside of work[where we] would have been able to enjoy collectively, to kind of pose. When I’ve been doing access work with other artists we did a sound healing session, or we went to a spa. There are different things where you can be like, “Okay, we exist outside of this project. And we all recognise that this is done, so now we can relax.” You know?
Meg
Yes. Well, honestly, I haven’t really yet had that moment with the report because there’s still a couple of people to send it to [so we] haven’t yet [had a] “done” moment. But if you want to meet up for a moment, then I’m more than happy. And we can celebrate it [the report] because it’s something that definitely ought to be celebrated because it’s months and months of hard work on your end.
Blue
Yeah, all of us for sure.
Meg
Very exciting question: what are you working on now?
Blue
So, over the past few weeks, I’ve definitely, like, been pouring myself into my own time and creative endeavours. I’m going to be co-facilitating a workshop for Deptford Literature Festival [in] a couple of weeks time and that’s based on the concept of left hand pages and stories that don’t get told or uncomfortable truths or rambles about things that we love. That other people don’t really find that interesting or desirable, and inviting the participants to kind of think about the left hand pages in their own lives and stories that are told one way but have a lot of other perspectives around them. I’m also working on my mosaics and getting stuck in with that with the support of my loved ones who have given me [a] pep talk. So just to do the stuff that I need to do. And yeah, I also have some creative endeavours in terms of theatre that I want to delve into. So hopefully, this year there will be some of the stuff underway.
Meg
God, so busy already. Yeah. Non stop, non stop. Well, obviously it’s been absolutely fabulous working with you and this has been fun. I feel like we should say goodbye. It’s not goodbye, it’s a see you later.
Blue
Thank you. See you later Meg.
